Modern families: ‘I remember him being quite curious. He looked and saw he’s not Dad’s skin and he’s not Mom’s skin’

When Liam Lane was three years old, he had a question for his parents about skin colour. Staring hard at his parents, Lucy and Tom Lane, he told his mother he wanted to know what colour he was. “I said to him ‘you’re cream’,” Lucy Lane recalls. “He said, ‘Is that because Dad is white and you’re brown and we make cream?’ I said ‘yes’.”
That was the first time Liam had a question about skin tone, but over the years, the apprentice electrician, now 22, had other queries for his mother, who moved from Kenya to Dublin 21 years ago. Lucy is married to Tom, who is white and born in Ireland, and Liam, born in Kenya, is the eldest of their three children.
“I remember him being quite curious,” Lucy says. “He looked and saw that he’s not Dad’s skin and he’s not Mom’s skin. We live in a predominantly white neighbourhood, so when he went to primary school, most of his friends would have been white and there was one kid from Ivory Coast.”
Research by the National Institutes of Health (NIH), a global medical research centre, has found that children as young as three months can see differences in race. That same study showed that kids start to develop their own racial identity by the time they are two years old.
For many families in Ireland, conversations about race and ethnicity are an important facet of helping their children to develop a full sense of themselves. There has been a huge cultural shift in Ireland over the past few decades – a walk through the busy streets of Dublin city centre is indicative of that change.
Families of many different backgrounds, colours and creeds have settled on this island, and while it’s still the case that over half the population identifies as white Irish, ever increasing numbers of Irish people identify as having a multi-ethnic identity.
So how can parents of multi-ethnic children go about speaking to their kids about their identity, and when is the best time to discuss race?
According to Dr Mou Sultana, chairwoman of the Special Interest Group in Ethnic Minority at the Psychological Society of Ireland (PSI), the question of when the topic should be brought up is contingent on the family themselves. “Every family has their own sense of identity and values, plus every generation changes and may have a different set of values because of the time that they’re living in,” she says.
In terms of when children start to see differences in race, Dr Sultana says it usually occurs during school-going years or after someone else has brought it to their attention. “Once they start going to school at about six or seven years old, somebody has probably pointed out something – that’s when they begin to see it,” she says. “It could be as simple as somebody has played three little pigs in the classroom, and then said ‘you can’t be the pig because you’re not …’ and they’ve just picked something. So something happens, something very small and tiny, and that’s when they begin to see it.”
In Dr Sultana’s view, the vernacular used around what race actually is takes precedence over when that conversation should take place. “There is a big question around whether [race] is a socially constructed political system and if it really exists,” she says. “But what really exists is the colour and that it’s different. What really exists is the culture. What really exists is whether it’s a cultural minority, ethnic minority or ethnicity and all sorts of these words.
“These words are quite important,” she adds. “It’s important to expose the young person to different types of words so they know that there’s a whole discourse that exists that fails to capture something that their parents are trying to capture right then and there because it’s so complex.”
There is a growing body of research on the impact of multiculturalism on societies. There are great positives associated with multiculturalism: a number of studies have found that individual-level cultural diversity can increase creativity and decision-making. A person’s multiculturalism can provide them with the tools to respond more efficiently in certain situations.
But there can also be challenges: children of minority or multicultural backgrounds may be more susceptible to being ostracised or othered. They may also wish to embrace one aspect of their heritage over another, something that can be natural and normal for them, but which may be difficult for their parents and extended family.
The complexities and challenges associated with racial identity are something Nóirín Kelly’s family are well aware of: Nóirín, 41, was born in Dublin to a Kenyan mother and an Irish father. Her partner, Jamie Holme, is from Liverpool, and they have been in a relationship for 13 years. Their Wicklow-based family of four includes Joshua (12) and Olivia (8), who have different takes on their identity.
“If you try to dress Olivia up in African clothes, she’s very reluctant. She just wants to fit in with everybody else around her and I guess that’s because she’s only known what her peers are doing and what is around her,” says Nóirín. While Nóirín spent her earlier years travelling to Kenya, neither of her kids has been to Africa. She says Joshua is quite enthusiastic about the prospect of visiting someday, whereas her daughter does not have a similar interest.
“Josh [was] in my mom’s house quite a lot when he was younger, so my mom would have been talking to him about African stories and showing him different African artefacts on the wall,” she says. “She would have been giving him African food.” Josh’s experiences gave him a natural interest in his Kenyan heritage, and that’s something that Nóirín relishes. “I love that my son has embraced the fact that he’s different. He wants to know about his other culture and his background.”
For Olivia, her early life was quite different, which, says Nóirín, has shaped her perspective towards her heritage in its own particular way, meaning that she is more interested in the country she lives in now. “Olivia spent most of her time in creche in Ireland, so she wouldn’t have spent that time in my mom’s. With Olivia, I’m always saying to her that it is lovely to be different. We’re definitely a family who are encouraging people to stand out and be different, and for her that would come with age maybe.”
From Dr Sultana’s perspective, any discussion about heritage or roots will always come with different perspectives attached. What’s important, in her view, is for parents to keep checking in, and to explore their children’s decision-making, to make sure that it’s coming from a healthy place.
What can be natural for one child — to focus on the country they’re in — can also be read as a symptom of an underlying issue, if, perhaps, the child simply wants to fit in with their peers.
Dr Sultana’s advice for parents is to read the situation carefully, exploring all the angles.
“If a child is automatically going toward this denial [of culture], and it doesn’t bother them, then it’s perhaps a difficulty that you’re having,” she says. “[But] if you can see that your child is actually bothered by this and it is not that they are denying it because they don’t identify with it, but rather, they are distancing themselves, it’s probably because they’re distancing themselves from the micro-aggressions or the discrimination that they feel for that race with others. So you need to have a conversation.”
For many children who have a multilayered identity, visits back to the parent or grandparent’s country of origin can be a hugely important part of fostering a multilayered sense of identity. Liam Lane has spent his whole life in Ireland, and very much feels this is his home. However, Liam says he has a great appreciation for his dual-heritage background in part because of his ability to share a slice of Kenya with his Irish peers.
“Going on holiday there, maybe I would have been like six or something like that and I’ve always thought it was cool,” he says. “I feel like my parents did it in a good way because we’d go over and take pictures and I’d come back into primary school and I’d have my pictures to show the class, and everyone asking questions. So I feel like I got the best of both worlds.”
As well as being able to share some of his experiences of Kenya with his classmates, Liam says it is a point of pride for him to come from a multicultural home because it allows him to be more adaptable in social situations.
“When I speak to people because I have two different sorts of cultures in me, I feel like I can be a bit more of a chameleon,” he says. “Last weekend, I met my missus’s parents and they’re Lithuanian. With them having a foreign background, they were asking about my ma and so I felt I had a bit there to talk about. But then I can speak to someone Irish and obviously I’ve grown up here so I can get on with someone like that as well.”
Another family who is fully embracing the joys of coming from a multi-ethnic background is Venezuelan-born Vilmarys Salgado and her Lithuanian husband, Marius Skrepkauskas. On the outside they may appear to have a similar skin tone, but culturally, their backgrounds are worlds apart. “When I met my husband, we didn’t speak the same language. I didn’t speak English and he didn’t know Spanish, so we were using Google Translate on every occasion to be able to communicate,” she says.
The couple met in November 2013, just a month after Vilmarys moved to Ireland. While they faced major stumbling blocks in communication during the early stages of their relationship, they were able to reconcile the language barrier when Marius decided to learn Spanish.
Their small family now includes a three-year-old girl named Mila who is being raised as bilingual in the suburbs along Dublin’s north coast. “We actually speak two languages at home,” says Vilmarys. “So Spanish, which is my mother language and my husband learned Spanish with me, so he’s fluent in Spanish right now. He will sometimes talk to my daughter in Spanish. Same with myself. English, of course, is the other second language we speak at home.”
While the couple have made colossal efforts to incorporate Vilmarys’s Venezuelan culture into their life in Dublin, the 36-year-old says that they still have some work to do when it comes to her husband’s Eastern European background.
“With the Lithuanian culture, it has been the weakest side for us. There is not a large Lithuanian community next to us, but the good way we found to incorporate that [culture] is to go to Lithuania,” she says.
“That’s one thing that we do when we can go, and also bringing her granny here because that’s another thing that we have been doing. She has been here twice and she has spent time here with us. She has been cooking her Lithuanian food.
“Also, my husband and myself, we used to sing to Mila when she was a baby … a Lithuanian song that is a kind of song for nursery that my husband used to hear from his mom, so that’s the song that we always sang for her to go to bed.”
Three-year-old Mila, who has been brought to both Venezuela and Lithuania on holidays, refers to her paternal granny as močiutė – the Lithuanian term for grandmother. Although she is familiar with certain nursery rhymes and Lithuanian words, her parents are focusing on bringing Venezuelan culture into their daughter’s life – a culture they have been quite successful in including in their Dublin home.
“We have in Venezuela one typical food that is very strong that every Venezuelan eats almost every day for breakfast or for dinner, which is called arepas. So arepas looks like a pita bread dough that we need to prepare ourselves,” she says. “So it has some kind of powder that we mix with water. So sometimes I will cook with her and she will put a little bench near the countertop and she will cook with me simultaneously. She enjoys doing that very much.
“This is a way for me to pass to her some of my traditions, something that I grew up doing and so also that she will enjoy Venezuelan food. We don’t have to be in Venezuela, we can enjoy it here in Ireland,” she adds.
When asked about why Venezuelan traditions have taken a front seat in his home, 40-year-old Marius says it is because he likes to be adaptable and prioritise the culture in which there is a closer community.
“I’m just the person probably who was always trying to adapt to wherever I am and who is surrounding me, and because at that time Vilmarys was my girlfriend, so I was definitely very interested in learning Spanish,” says the Lithuanian native who communicates to his daughter in Spanish and English.
“[I] don’t really have Lithuanian people around me,” he adds, “so I don’t use [the language] here, only when I have a phone call with my mother. I think it’s more that I’m not surrounded by Lithuanian people here.”
But how important is it for children of immigrant parents to be aware of both of their cultural backgrounds – more notably, will it give them a rounded sense of themselves? On this, Dr Sultana says while children can benefit from being exposed to various cultures, it is imperative that parents provide their kids with room to explore their identity.
“I think you need to expose your child to as many cultures and variations of different ways of eating and different ways of wearing clothes [as possible],” she says. “You want to tell the child who you are and where you’re from as much as you can. Whether you want the child to perform that – that’s a decision you have to make… and that decision is dependent on the family.”
It’s also important to remember that in addition to the heritage that is being passed from parent to child, the child is also their own person, with their own ideas of how they want to be in life. Or, as Dr Sultana puts it, “Parents need to be open to the idea that the child may want to bring in a whole set of new identities rather than these bi-racial or mixed-race that the parents are seeing.”